How to Help... When You Can't.
We all know how it feels when someone we are talking with is not really listening. We can feel uncared for, which discourages us from sharing vulnerable thoughts. We may shut down and learn to not trust that person.
A person with a cancer diagnosis needs to have a safe space to share thoughts and emotions, without feeling judged or diminished. Feeling heard and validated is an important aspect of overall well-being. Many of us want to be the person who can provide that but we don’t always know how.
One of the best ways to do this is to hone our active listening skills. We all know people who are naturally good at listening, but active listening is a skill that anyone can get better at with practice. When we are good listeners, we:
- Convey to our companions that what they are saying matters.
- Build psychological safety between us and our companions.
- Prevent miscommunication and misunderstanding.
- Deepen and strengthen our relationships.
Here are 5 active listening techniques that we can all practice:
-
Pay attention.
Make sure that your attention is not being pulled to something or someone else. Our companion needs to feel that we are focused on them and will give them the time that they need. We convey this with body language and by not interrupting. Part of paying attention is resisting the urge to start planning out a response. Listen with the intent to understand, not to reply.
-
Keep an open mind.
Try not to go into the conversation with any expectations. Be open to hearing whatever your companion has to say, even if you find it surprising or unsettling. Approach the conversation with curiosity and with the goal of learning, rather than fixing. A good conversation rule is to assume that you have something to learn about the person you are talking with.
-
Clarify, validate and reflect.
This can feel unnatural to some people, but it gets easier with practice. The goal here is to make sure that you are hearing the person correctly and understanding their message. An example of this is, “So what I heard you say is that you feel like a burden to your children who are already so busy with your grandchildren. You also worry that talking with them about your diagnosis will cause them more stress. Did I get that right?”
-
Use open-ended questions.
Questions that allow for self-reflection will prompt sharing more than yes/no questions. Some examples are “Tell me more about…”, “What are your thoughts about…?” and “How did that make you feel?”
-
-
Allow for silences.
-
Being vulnerable and opening yourself up is hard, and most people need time to sit quietly with their feelings during difficult conversations. Don’t jump to fill the silence. Remember that goal of learning something during a conversation? When you’re talking, you’re not learning.
The word LISTEN contains the same letters as the word SILENT.
When someone has a cancer diagnosis, there is nothing that we can do to change that reality, despite desperately wanting to do so. What we can do is provide emotional healing by being there to listen. For people with cancer, when they are ready to talk, our job is to provide a safe space for them to be their true, authentic selves. Like any new skill, active listening may take time to get comfortable with, but with practice it will become easier. So in addition to bringing over a home-cooked meal or providing a ride to an appointment, let them know that you care about their emotional health by providing an ear for listening.
Sharon Berger, RN, IBCLC
Sharon Berger, RN, IBCLC, has worked in reproductive health care settings for over 20 years and is the owner of Our Milk House, a private lactation consulting practice. Her guiding principle is to meet people where they're at, and is passionate about providing individual, compassionate and evidence-based care.
Sharon lives in upstate New York with her husband and their sweet old dog. Her other passions include making sourdough bread, gardening, hiking and visiting with her amazing adult children as often as possible.
